Would you like to work for the Daily Mail?

I have been aware that the Daily Mail were about to recruit some new journalists via Twitter and the advert amused me, but I couldn’t quite decide what to do with it. Then The enemies of reason applied for the job in a wonderfully mocking manner and I now see that this is the way forward. We all need to apply for this job in the same style, explaining just how we understand what they are looking for and how we are willing to hand over our souls on a platter for the pay cheque on offer. Here is the advert – printed in the Guardian no less, this must be one of the ‘non-jobs’ that the Mail constantly complains about in the Guardian:

Daily Mail

  • Britain’s most successful newspaper group is offering would-be reporters and writers an exciting and challenging yearlong training course, plus the chance to work at the Daily Mail and Mail Online
  • We are looking for bright, sharp, intelligent writers who believe they can be fast-tracked to the very top
  • You’ll be on the best journalism course in the business – and be paid a competitive salary while you train
  • Successful applicants will probably have completed post-graduate journalism training or had experience working in newspapers

Apply by February 21, with your CV, 200 words on why you think you could be a Mail journalist, a 200-word news story and a selection of up to six cuttings and send to Sue Ryan, Trainee Reporters’ Scheme, Daily Mail, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry St, London W8 5TT. Please send queries to sue.ryan@dailymail.co.uk

So, let’s all send Sue Ryan 200 words to try and convince her that we can be the next moral vacuum hiding behind The Daily Mail Reporter as we explain that the ink in newspapers gives you cancer and that the man next door is probably going to rape and kill your children. Let me be so bold as to post my 200 words here, which I will email to Sue just as soon as this blog is posted.

Dear Sue,

I am writing about the prospect of a year’s training with the Daily Mail and the chance to become a star within the Mail group.

Obviously, you would like to know my credentials. Well, for my sins I read the Daily Mail and I visit Mail Online so I am more than aware of the kind of skills needed to be a big hit:

  1. Being related to a current member of staff. Granted, I am not related to a current member of staff, but I did once tweet Georgina Littlejohn on Twitter – does this count?
  2. I have eyes, I can see whether a celebrity has lost or gained weight.
  3. I have hands, I can relay above information to your reader via the medium of the written word – should the accompanying 14 photos not illustrate the point forcefully enough.
  4. Being an avid reader I know that the Mail group really hates immigrants, foreigners in general, gays, women, science. Hell, let’s face it, I know that in order to write for the Mail I must hate everything post 1950 apart from Mail Online. I don’t of course, but then I imagine I wouldn’t be the only writer in your organisation crying themselves to sleep every night over what they have done with their lives.
  5. I used to live in Devon, amongst country folk. I have no stories of interest relating to this, but I understand that Liz Jones earns a fair whack and neither does she?
  6. My local council have given me two wheelie bins, as well as recycling bags and a kitchen waste bin which has to be kept in the kitchen. I think this qualifies me to write about 1/3 of your daily output – and it certainly makes me more qualified that a certain Mr Richard Littlejohn who – living in Florida – can only scratch the surface of the angst faced by the real, everyday, all-year-round wheelie bin sufferers.

Obviously before I can accept your offer I would want to clarify one thing; in your advert you state that ‘bright, sharp, intelligent writers who believe they can be fast-tracked to the very top’ and this really worries me. You see, having read the output of your highest-paid, most ‘succesful’ writers, I can only conclude that such a fast-track scheme is only interesting in promoting the most delusional, inane, dishonest, repetitive and frankly appalling writers (I mean, seriously, have you ever read a Melanie Philips column and thought: ‘My, hasn’t she a got a firm grasp of reality.’ Or: ‘You know what, Peter Hitchens is right, women are entirely to blame for absolutely everything. EVERYTHING.’ Or: ‘Isn’t Richard Littlejohn brave, attacking all of those disenfranchised minorities using Dad’s Army as a clever comic vehicle. Again.’?)

Hopefully you can clarify this point before making me a formal offer.

Yours Faithfully,

Kevin

PS. I know this is more than 200 words, but come on, it’s not like you’ve got any standards for your published journalists, is it?


I invite you to write your own application. Feel free to add it to the comments here, or post it on your own blog and then link from the comments. Share this via Twitter. See if we can give the Mail more applicants than they expected. Who knows, one of us might get a job out of this. Good luck – you could be the next Richard Littlejohn (the money is certainly good).

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