ANGRY MOB

I had the misfortune to chance upon an article by David 'the least funny man on the planet' Thomas entitled 'Poor Little Me'. Billed as hilariouly funny it was in fact sick and tasteless and poked fun at disability. I wanted to stuff the entire paper down his throat as far as his small intestine but shredded the paper instead. Can I calim the distance of a small intestine?

Aren't you encouraging people to actually buy a copy of the Mail, for chucking purposes?

How's about a photo competition where the entrants send pictures of themselves creatively wiping their arse with said rag, Roger Mellie style (was it The Sun he was wiping his arse with back then? Or the Fulchester echo?) - I know, it's the German in me

All I read was the first sentence: "And still they come." It was about Sangatte. The paper may have even landed there.

I read an article about research scientists had conducted revealing that a body wrap worked (in 100 per cent of cases!) but, weirdly, there was nothing in the article that allowed me to identify the research in question. None of the authors were named and I didn't even get to find out the name of the journal the study was published in. The article advertised a specific clinic offering the treatment and also published an 0845 number that would allow you to find "salons around the country offering the Universal Contour Wrap". Although I was infuriated by this advertorial, I could only manage to throw my copy of the Dail Mail a distance of 6 feet 3 inches, but (in my defence) there was quite a strong wind blowing and this may have hampered my efforts.