Daily Mail: the letters

Today David Cameron made a speech about immigration designed to specifically generate glowing tabloid headlines and appeal to the readers who have been systematically lied to about immigration for years. Here are two letters printed in the Daily Mail – one yesterday, one today – that demonstrate the sort of person David Cameron is shaping his immigration policies around:

Joyless Britain

It’s a pleasant evening, so you think you’ll stroll down to the pub for a pint. Then you remember your local has closed and been sold to a property developer. So you decide to take the bus to the next village – but wait a minute, it’s the evening, so there are no buses.

Reluctantly, you take the car, even though it will restrict you to just one pint. But perhaps that’s just as well because at the pub you find a pint of ale now costs more than £3 (and you read recently that it actually costs just 10p to produce).

You buy a pint and are just about to light up, when you remember you’re not allowed to smoke in the pub. You could go outside, but it now looks like rain.

So you stay indoors and share a joke with a friend, but be careful – your joke must be politically correct in case one of the many whingeing minorities overhears you and denounces you, in which case you could possibly be jailed.

You fancy a bite to eat and ask the landlord if he has a pork pie or a sandwich.

‘No,’ he says. ‘But you can have a three-course meal for £20. What do you want, Chinese, Thai, Indian or flambe?’

Making any remark about that would probably be misconstrued as a racist comment by any do-gooder nearby, so you say nothing, drive home – carefully – and read a good book (if you’ve got one because the local library has been closed).

That’s Merry England today.

ALAN CAIRNS, Tadley, Hants.

Jobs for the boys

Here’s my ad for a local government job: ‘Jolly Gym Knickers Officer Required. Frustratedshire County Council is a forward-thinking, newly Tory-controlled council which when under Labour was proactive, multi-cultural, diversity orientated and community paranoid.

‘It seeks to employ a Jolly Gym Knickers Officer who must be white, male, middle-class, healthy, well-built and fully capable of smacking any Socialist or Liberal in the mouth if they so much as mention political correctness in the workplace.

‘Applicants must be of a normal sexual orientation, been born in England and lived here all their lives, with a healthy appreciation of the English sense of office humour, which they should be able to demonstrate by keeping staff supplied with all the latest jokes on religion, sex, culture and race.

‘Duties will include making sure ashtrays are available on every desk. No excuses for stopping work to smoke outside will be tolerated. It will also be the duty of the officer to make sure all suggestions deriving from EU directives must be regarded as anti-English interference.

‘He must also ensure that when the council is in session, the Union Flag is flown and each session is ended by all councillors singing God Save the Queen. Foreigners need not apply.’

Edward A. Walker, Redcar, Cleveland.

We desperately need a better press.

23 thoughts on “Daily Mail: the letters”

  1. I know its bad to laugh at people like this, its not entirely their fault that they’re so stupid and ignorant, but I can’t help it. Thanks for posting this.

  2. “So you stay indoors and share a joke with a friend, but be careful – your joke must be politically correct in case one of the many whingeing minorities overhears you and denounces you, in which case you could possibly be jailed.”

    No, it’s actually because most people will think you’re a cunt

  3. It’s a pleasant evening, so you think you’ll stroll down to the pub for a pint. Then you remember no one at your local ever talks to you, because you’re that misrible bastard who never stops going on about how much a pint cost 20 years ago, or how “you can’t talk about [x] anymore” before doing just that for a whole knobbing hour.

    So instead you go home and toss off a letter to the Daily Mail.

  4. If those really are readers’ letters, Littlejohn must be chuffed to bits because he actually has imitators who attempt to reproduce his 19th-hole-bore style of humour. People who read his column and find it a perfect combination of trenchant commentary and wit. The sincerest form of flattery. Well, either that or the Mail has taken to chopping his column into letter-size chunks and putting them on the correspondence page.

    BTW I love the bit of Cameron’s speech about the local pub at the heart of the community. can you imagine him going to a locval pub? “A glass of beer please landlord”. “That will be £68”. “I say, that’s jolly reasonable”.

  5. Ugh, that’s probably the worst thing I’ve read today.

    Especially that second one. You can almost see the unexamined privelege rising off it like steam from a fresh cowpat.

  6. “So you stay indoors and share a joke with a friend, but be careful – your joke must be politically correct in case one of the many whingeing minorities overhears you and denounces you, in which case you could possibly be jailed.”

    you know what, change the word “minorities” for “Guardian Readers” and he has a point.
    still, two letters by genuine cunts.

  7. That sums them up quite nicely. They actually have nothing to complain about. Basically they can’t drink and drive or tell racist jokes and because of that their lives are supposedly in ruins. All because of those PC liberals.

    When confronted with stories about people who actually are suffering or are victims they couldn’t care less.

  8. You know, it’s strange that after all these years where you had to be a disabled black lesbian single mother to stand any chance of getting a council job, how many councils are lead by white middle aged, middle class heterosexual* males. Unscientifically, I tried searching for UK county council leaders and I get lots of pictures of these guys. (There are a fair few middle aged white women as well, which just goes to show how diverse we are!)

    * Or at least married

  9. I read the second letter as someone taking the piss out of the frantically mad world view of the average Daily Mail reader.

    It didn’t really make much sense otherwise.

  10. “Then you remember your local has closed and been sold to a property developer. So you decide to take the bus to the next village – but wait a minute, it’s the evening, so there are no buses”

    People like that have been voting Tory for the last 30 years and they’re incapable of joining the dots. What this thicko is complaining about is the unbridled free market in action.

  11. So, the closure of public services and price rises are all part of the great liberal conspiracy, according to the first letter.

  12. Surely the second letter has been written sarcastically. Considering the bloke is from Redcar as well where the tories are pretty hated.

  13. ‘Applicants must … been born in England and lived here all their lives’

    But surely that would exclude the truly English people who have been driven out of their homeland and now live in Spain or Dubai to get away from all the foreigners.

  14. If this is the worst thing anyone has read today they need to get out more. Libya, Syria, Japan etc

    Get a life folks

  15. I’ve got it! The penny has finally dropped with the Mail that its star columnist is a lazy, predictable bore who has been paid a fortune over the years to write basically the same piece again and again. So they have developed a Littlebot that can automatically generate the same rubbish at a fraction of the cost. These letters are experiments from the beta version – if enough people take them to be genuine work by wannabe Littlejohn-alikes, the Littlebot goes live next week and the real one is out of a job. Rejoice!

  16. What amazes me is that Alan honestly seems to think he’s telling the truth.

    As someone who’s spent a lot of time drinking in village pubs, I’d imagine that if you told a racist (sorry, ‘policitally incorrect’) joke in most village pubs it wouldn’t matter a jot.

    Reminds me of a Swells quote from this:

    ‘I feel like I’m in the middle of someone else’s circle jerk.

    Because that’s what Fox News and talk radio are all about really–mutual mental masturbation.

    Bitterness loves company. Much as junkies and alcoholics seek the company of those similarly afflicted, so those who hold what they know are selfish, nasty, mean-spirited and (whisper it) immoral beliefs actively seek out those who are similarly morally corrupted.

    That’s why left-wing talk radio has never really succeeded. Lefties don’t need their worldview constantly affirmed by others. Reality does it for us.’

    Read more: http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/news-and-opinion/steven_wells_spends_13_hours_with_the_big_talker_and_other_idiots-39878102.html?page=7&comments=1&showAll=#ixzz1JsQlcGZB

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