ANGRY MOB

Lack of sunshine is said to be the real reason behind Scotland's poor record on health. A new report identifies a deficiency of Vitamin D as responsible for everything from diabetes and cancer to high blood pressure and strokes. So nothing to do with chain-smoking, binge drinking and deep-fried Mars Bars, then.

Traffic wardens  -  sorry, civil enforcement officers  -  are the stormtroopers of New Labour

The ranks of PCSOs are comprised of people who are too stupid to pass the entrance exam for the real police.

As I keep insisting, 'climate change' is the new catch-all excuse for bullying, fining and inconveniencing us.

not a President-in-Waiting but an uppity kid with delusions of grandeur

I'm... highly suspicious of any kind of financial transactions that involve the internet.

Three or four times a week, I get invited by someone in Nigeria to allow him to deposit several million pounds in my bank account overnight. For my trouble, he promises there will be a nice little drink in it for me. It is an invitation I have no difficulty declining.

Same with internet banking. I'm sure it was all perfectly legitimate at the time, but there would be no more chance of me investing in an online Icelandic bank than responding to one of those emails offering me a bigger penis.

And if you need to be reminded of the awfulness of modern Britain as you relax in a sun-drenched foreign resort, there's always the Daily Mail, printed around the globe, available from your friendly beach-side newsagent and online.

There's something intrinsically funny about dwarfs.

Talented make-up artists have tried the lot on me over the years to try to disguise my natural hideousness from the cameras  -  blusher, concealer, foundation, tinted moisturisers.

Trust me, chaps, it's uncomfortable. And I've always drawn the line at lipstick.

But, I'll admit, there have been times when I've rushed away to a dinner after the show and forgotten to wipe it off.

It's only when you're standing in the gents looking like an off-duty drag queen that you realise you've made a horrible mistake.

the feminisation of Britain... starts in school, where barking-mad women teachers label boisterous behaviour as 'attention deficit disorder' and 'hyperactivity'.

Boys being boys is now considered an illness which needs treating. Ritalin has replaced discipline.

Men are constantly encouraged to get in touch with their feminine side and confront their 'issues'.

For two decades, this column has made a career out of exposing the unbending lunacy and sheer bloody-mindedness of British bureaucrats, but the monster marches ravenously on.

At a time when we can least afford it, we are being bled white to finance the Sandwich Stasi and hundreds of thousands of index-linked, spiteful, self-righteous parasites.

In another life, these are the very people who would have been loading the cattle trucks to the concentration camps.

To the scaffold with the lot of them

My Geordie mate, Black Mike, would take one look at her in her absurd "Goth" outfit and remark: "Gi' us a stick and I'll kill it."...

When her owner - er, fiancé - Addams Family lookalike Dani Graves tried to take her on to a bus, the driver stopped them, saying: "We don't let freaks and dogs like you on."

The couple complained that it was a "hate crime"... They should be neutered.